This pattern of sharing by “who can be harder on herself” was a way of bonding that has become so common place that I really didn’t even notice how often my friends and I did it until I started to pay attention to not only to what was being said socially among women to each other, but I started to listen to my internal dialogue and the absolute war that was raging inside of me.  How did I ever think I didn’t have a problem with weight?  I was obsessed with it. When I started to really tune in, I was shocked at how much of my time and energy was devoted to criticism, feeling shame, and wanting to control and restrict and then alternate periods of hopelessness where I would binge.

My internal monologue would go something like this “It’s hopeless, I’m already getting old and fat and unattractive, what the f..k!”  Then I would feel good for the time it took to inhale whatever I was binging on, chocolate, ice cream, cheese puffs, you name it.  I’m not an extreme binger, but more of a consistent overeater-I would overeat at least a few times a week not just from shame, but also a strange angry mantra of “After this day I’ve had, I deserve it!” Afterwards I would feel uncomfortable and overfull and a deep shame.  From that place of shame and guilt I can now see that I was much more likely to snap at my husband, yell at my kids, stay up too late watching tv to numb my despair.

And there was an underlying feeling of not being good enough and how everyone else knew what they were doing and I just couldn’t figure this weight thing out.  I could now see how I was attributing so much of my value as a woman, mother, friend, daughter to what I looked like. When I started to pay attention I could see how much time and energy this obsession was sucking the joy out of my life. So what was wrong with me?

Thankfully I decided to take a fabulous tele-course by Master Coach Susan Hyatt which helped me put it all in perspective.  I needed to learn how to value myself and start making choices about food, exercise and life that were not only more in tune with the messages my body was telling me, but that created more joy and fulfillment in things other than food.  I needed to stop letting myself get burned out and substituting food for comfort.  I needed a better self care program. I needed to examine my thoughts and patterns around food and start turning them around.

Susan provided many, many valuable tools and insights, but the first homework we had was the game changer for me.  It helped me to put this whole struggle with food and body image into perspective and view it in a whole new and empowering way.  She had us write a peace treaty to ourselves.  Here is my Peace Treaty:

Kate’s Peace Treaty 6-12-11

I will watch with compassion and gently question.  I choose to be a scientist instead of a mean girl. I will be kind and choose love over hate. I will end deprivation.  I choose to stop the high drama swings between starving and stuffing. I will stay with the uncomfortable feelings that are sometimes in the pit of my stomach and compassionately investigate the painful thoughts around it instead of numbing the discomfort with food. I will cry if I need to.  I choose to allow my feelings rather than ignore them. I will listen.  I choose to be aware of my thoughts and body sensations instead of ignoring them. I will take time everyday to connect with my core of peace and BREATHE. I will rest.  I choose to honor the natural rhythms of my body and respect it before I get burned out and on empty. I will play, laugh and have FUN!  I choose to create joy in my life over using food for entertainment. I will say NO. I choose healthy boundaries and saying YES to me over compromising my values. I will stop resisting. I choose to go with the flow of life and choose ease over struggle. I will be me.  I choose to live authentically me 100% over trying to be something I’m not.  I choose to be TAO (transparent authentic and open). I choose to give myself a break and know that I am human, I will make mistakes and it’s all good.  I choose to continue to remember even after I forget that no matter how old I am, how much I weigh, how many mistakes I’ve made I AM WORTHY.

That's me in the hat having a fun hike with my sister and Step-dad at Zion! Fun exercise while hanging out with people you love in the beautiful outdoors! Now that's my kind of work-out!

Every time I read that, it is a gentle reminder to keep life in perspective. To yes, be healthy but in a kind and compassionate way, not a Army Drill Sergeant kind of way.  Since writing this peace treaty I have looked for enjoyable ways to move my body like hiking, kayaking and being in nature.  I’m training for a 5k with my daughter.  I’m getting my head out of my plate and looking up and enjoying the people and conversations around me more.  I’m listening to my body’s signals and respecting them.

Have I got it all figured out and am doing it “perfectly?” No, of course not, there is no such thing as a perfect Human Being.  The difference now is when I forget, instead of beating myself up about it, I gently remind myself of my peace treaty and try again.  But, it has been life changing.  I have never been more content and comfortable in my own skin.  I’m enjoying my life more.  And that is always going to be more important than what dress size I am. I now know that I AM WORTHY exactly how I am, right now, at this age, at this size, with all of my human imperfections.  You are worthy too-exactly as you are right now. I invite you to write your own peace treaty and stop the war within.

The voice inside my head is having a field day shouting fears at me like, “Something will go wrong and you won’t be here!” “You’re selfish for leaving them!” “They’ll be scarred for life!” and added to the mounting evidence of what a horrible Mother I am, my six year old daughter has mastered the guilt trip by saying “If you knew we were going to miss you so much, why did you plan this trip?!” and “Daddy doesn’t know how to help me with my homework or put me to bed, how am I going to sleep while you’re gone?!” The piano teacher asks how many practices they will get in this week and as I mention I’ll be away, she begrudgingly erases the expected 6 practices and writes 4. So now, not only will my girls miss me, and be permanently and irrevocably damaged, they’ll also be lacking in their piano talents! No wonder I’m on the verge of a panic attack! Ahh!

It has only been a few weeks since school has started and between the various activities I signed the girls up for along with the volunteer work I’ve committed to at their school and in the community, it seems like the worst time to leave. I feel as though I’ve had to arrange an army of Moms and caregivers and my husband to take my place. I need to stay and take care of everything; it won’t run smoothly without me-my inner voice keeps nagging me.   As I make my last minute preparations and remind my husband about what activities the girls have each day and kiss and hug my family goodbye at the airport the guilt continues. Reading on the plane distracts me a bit, but the knot in my stomach quietly lingers in the background.

The gorgeous view from the hotel room balcony

Only when we get first glimpses of the beautiful red rock of Zion National Park against the clear blue sky do I begin to breath deeper, and release some of the unnecessary burden of guilt all of us Moms experience at one time or another.  You know the gut wrenching guilt where if we don’t spend enough time with them we feel as though we’re both depriving and neglecting our children. When our mind goes to the extreme thinking that they’ll never have the skills to have healthy relationships and will end up broke and living alone with way too many cats.   Not to be confused with the other side of the guilt coin in which they’re so attached to us, we worry that they cannot separate from us in a healthy way and will of course have to live with us the rest of our lives because they lack the basic independence skills and we’ve failed them horribly by not preparing them for the real world.  You can see how my inner critic can get a wee bit carried away.   I’ve had the “pleasure” (okay really pain) of vacillating between both sides of the guilt coin in my 8 years of Motherhood.  Unfortunately, no matter what you do, us Moms have a knack for telling ourselves it’s not enough and we’re doing it all wrong. I hear it from my clients all the time, both my working and stay at home Moms.   A fear my 8-year-old daughter confirmed shortly after I landed and over the phone tearfully and accusingly said to me, “Today was awful without you! Nothing went as it was supposed to go!” Gut punch-check, dose of guilt-check.

Never underestimate the power of taking a deep breath and breathing nice and slow.  After I’ve calmed my daughter down and hang up the phone, I do that many times as I breathe in the fresh air and take in the gorgeous views.  It takes practice to not get sucked into the swirl of negative thoughts that can so rapidly feed off each other and spiral downward to feelings of guilt, sadness and a feeling of somehow I’m doing it all wrong.  But the fresh air and natural beauty help me rally and I’m feeling much more relaxed at dinner as we sit outside enjoying a nice meal, good wine and great conversation as my sister, step-dad and I catch up with each others lives.

But it is on our first hike the next day where it all melts away. The magnificent natural beauty fills up my soul and restores my spirit. I feel deeply connected to my core of peace and the Universe and feel a profound sense of trust in life. I know that everything is okay. I feel it with every fiber of my being and am calm with the serenity of this knowledge.   I know that hiking in Mother Nature’s glory is exactly what I needed and it provides a direct and strong connection to my Essential Self.

I know that my girls will grow stronger from this experience and have memories of quality time with their Dad.  I know that I am doing them a greater service by modeling healthy behavior where I’m nourishing my spirit and soul and filling up my own bucket.  It’s hard to be a good Mom, wife, friend, employee anything when you’ve let your bucket go empty and you’re running on fumes.  When I over-commit and under-nourish myself I have less patience, creativity, joy and energy. I feel tired, depleted, humorless and am far more likely to be a little (and sometimes a lot) cranky.

Connecting with my essential self also helps me remember that I am a good Mom.  My kids are amazing, funny, smart, kind, sweet, helpful kids who also at times act up, melt down and in other ways act like every other normal 6 and 8 year old.  But they are healthy, happy, well adjusted kids who have parents and family and friends who love and support them.  How does that saying go? “Raising kids is the hardest job you’ll ever love.” The parenthood journey is chaotic, messy, exhausting, fun, exciting and full of mistakes and growth.  I wouldn’t have it any other way.  I am a good Mom.  I am the perfect Mother for my children, exactly as I am right now, with all my human imperfections.  Just as you are the perfect Mother for your child(ren) just as you are, right now.   It is all exactly as it is supposed to be.

My sister, stepfather and I fall into an easy routine of going to bed early, getting up early, watching the sunrise and beating the crowds to the different and glorious hikes. The weather couldn’t be more beautiful, cool in the morning and evenings and sunny and warm during the day. My body compass is at a ++++10!  It’s almost as if every cell in my body is vibrating gleefully.  The energy and beauty of these places are breathtaking and awesome.  There is a sacredness in these majestic massive red rocks, big blue skies and in this experience. Pictures and words cannot even begin to come close to describing it.

While it’s easy to connect to my essential self while I’m in nature, hiking and not caring for dogs, kids, household etc… it’s a reminder to me that I can and need to connect to my core of peace more often in my hectic chaotic everyday life.  I need to carve out time each day to do so.  I know that when I am coming from my centered self I am much more likely to make decisions for my family and myself that are loving, nurturing, patient and kind.  I know this and teach my clients this, and yet as all of us do from time to time, I can get caught up in the “what needs to get done like yesterday” mode and I temporarily forget.   I know I’ve forgotten when my inner critic is the loudest voice in my head.  I know it when my body feels anxious, there’s a knot in my stomach and my breathing is shallow and my patience is running a little thin. And it’s okay to forget, because it’s another opportunity to learn and grow.  It gives me a deeper respect for trusting that my body will tell me when I’ve forgotten or am a little off course.  It gives me a deeper appreciation for how content and happy I feel when I do remember and make a practice of remembering.

As I sit on the plane home, I am excited to see my sweet girls and husband again. I have missed them, but feel grateful to have gone. I feel that I am bringing more of myself back to them.

Our Deepest Fear

by Marianne Williamson from  A Return To Love: Reflections on the Principles of A Course in Miracles

“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won’t feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It’s not just in some of us; it’s in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.”

Home for the Heart

My heart sings

It is coming home

It is coming home to

A place where it can dance

With my soul

It is coming home to

A place where it can cry the tears

Of sadness and the tears of joy

And feel safe

It is coming home to

A place where it can feel the deepest love

And ardent passion

It is coming home to a place of

Sacredness and authenticity

Where its voice can be heard

It is coming home to a place of

Contentment and Peace

MY Heart Sings

It Is Home

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